American Hustle

So my fiancee and I are on the prowl to rent a condo and might I say, the past two days have been quite a wild ride. I'll start from the beginning. So, just like any other day I looked through the many rental websites including Zillow, Rent.com, Trulia...but then I came across the PERFECT condo...for only $700 a month with utilities included...if you're from the Chicagoland area, you'd be doing backflips and somersaults all over the room if you saw this place. It was a two-bedroom, two-bathroom, 2,200-square-foot condo that was finished to perfection. Stainless steel appliances? Yep. Granite counter tops? Yep. Huge Whirlpool bathtub? Sure! Why not? Because this was such an amazing deal, some red flags were raised in my head, but then I talked myself down from being Ms. Skeptical Investigative Reporter and inquired about the property. I was not prepared for the response I would receive the following day....might I add...the bad grammar was the most annoying thing...(#editorproblems)

Am so sorry for the late respond, I receive your mail indicating your interest in our home for rent and i hope you are serious about this. Firstly i will like to share with you about my little family, I am a Elder and my wife has a private practice as an attorney i am a native of  XXXXX. I and my wife acquired our house few years ago and have lived happily' As we are approaching retirement,we have decided as JEHOVAH  WITNESSES to spend the rest of our lives in voluntary services.To spread with gospel of Jehovah and reach out to the less privilege.This has given us so much joy and fulfillment.Presently we have been assigned to (WEST AFRICA) to help build the Kingdom Hall and assist in spreading the living word.However, the initial plan was to sale out the house which I tried, but sometimes the agents inflates the prize and it takes longer to sell i am telling you this in case if you find the house on another website, that is the old advert. because
 of this reason my lovely wife advised that we keep it for future purpose. As it has been a tough decision for us,we require a very nice,experienced and genuine family to help keep the bond that we have with  our home. so we are renting it out since we need someone to take good care of the property on our absent.right now we are renting and not selling but we would like to leave it into a good hand. We want our property to be well taken good care of, and there are some rules and regulation in which we do give out to tenant who are willing to rent the house so please don't disrespect our order but if you are still capable of renting our house the rules and regulation goes this way, You must keep our house clean including the surrounding, you must know the way in which you use the stove so as to avoid fire outbreak, you must not disturb the neighbor. . Don't be surprise if you find the home with another site and deference price, We have plan to rent it
 through Real estate before, but they are not serious simply because they have a lot of house to lease out and they added some money to the rent while there commission is not fair. Have this in mind you must know the kind of person that I'm nevertheless We are giving you this rules because of what corresponded between me and our last tenant. the keys and documents are with us here in (WEST AFRICA)

Attn : The rent are including the Utilities are intact such as Dishwasher,Dryer, Electric Stove, Fridge, Washer,Air Condition,Sewage,Trash,all included in the monthly rent,as i am in a governmental programmer that sponsors my utilities on monthly basis etc.Please note that, we are a kind and honest family,that
spent a lot on property that is available for rent, so in one accord,we are soliciting for your absolute maintenance of this house and want you to treat it as your own.We want you to keep it tidy all the time so that we shall be glad to see it whenever we are around on a visit.
Here is the Property Description

Available Now!!!
Bedrooms:2 Bedrooms
Bathrooms 2 Bathroom
Monthly Rent : $700 (utilities included)
Security Deposit :$500(Refundable)

Pets Policy : Well Trained Pets are Allowed
Address of the house:
Lease Term : As long as you wished
If you are really interested in renting my home then answer the rental application questions below.
Name (First name/ Middle name/Surname ) : __________?
Phone numbers (home,cell and office line ) # :__________?
Marital Status:__________?
How many proposed occupants :__________?
List all in addition to yourself including approx age :__________?
Present Address :__________?
Will you have pets :__________?
Please describe Breed, size :__________?
Personality of pet :__________?
Preferred move in date :__________?
Intended length of lease:__________?
Do you agree to pay the payment before you move in:__________?
How soon can you have the deposit and rent payment sent to me:__________?
Length of previous tenancy :__________?
Present occupation :__________?
Are you a section 8 applicant
Do you work late night :__________?
Do you smoke :__________?
Do you drink :__________?


Now if you're anything like me, this email was followed with a reaction of WTF? But hey, I still wanted to entertain the idea. I'd tell you what my father said, but I fear that it would offend some people...I emailed back and then quickly received a response...which was the final nail in that scammer's coffin....

Hello,

My wife and I have gone through your application and have found it satisfactory, so we will say at this point “Congratulations" you are now our tenant and we want you to always pay your Monthly rental fee on time to avoid any form of embarrassment. My Secretary will be receiving the refundable security deposit , paid to her through a wire transfer so as to secure our home for you and take it off market which automatically makes no one contact us for the same house you are renting. i will also be signing on the Lease/Rental Agreement in a hard copy paper before shipping the keys along with the hard copy paperwork to your present home address. Can you please re confirm your present home address? And upon receiving the deposits we will secure our home for you and take it off market and get the keys shipped to your present home address along with a tracking # to let you know the exact time you will be receiving the package. Please do confirm your present
 home address by sending it again through the email so that we do not make mistake when shipping to you. When do you plan moving into our home when you receive the keys; Let me know immediately so that we can make arrangement on your move in date. So if you are ready for the payment below is the payment information so once the payment is made the keys and document will take place asap to you so you can move in asap..


RE-CONFIRMATION OF THE DELIVERY ADDRESS :
RECEIVERS NAME?:_________________
DELIVERY ADDRESS?:_________________
RECEIVERS NUMBER:?_________________

Here are the contents of the document that needs to be sent.

1) Entrance and the rooms Keys
2) Paper/Permanent house form
3) The house documentary file.
4) Full Description of the house
5) Payment Receipt
6)Lease contract.

So once you ready to make the payment below is my information to send the payment, through Western Union nearest to you. Just go to any Grocery Store or Outlet near you with this information and send the payment and i am not too familiar with the area so my secretary will pick up the money for me while i take care of the shipping...So do get back to me with your mailing address where The package containing the keys and documentations of the  house will be delivered to you through Courier Service okay.

Receiver's Name: XXXXX (Secretary)
Address : 23 Isolo Road
City: Mushin
State:Lagos
Country: Nigeria
TEST QUESTION : GOD BLESS?
ANSWER : AMERICA


As soon as you send the payment from the western union Transfer, you would be given some information. You would have to get back to me with following information:


1. Full Sender's Name And Address Including Zip Code:
2. M.T.C.N Numbers:

As soon as i confirms the  payment, I will send the necessary document and keys of the house to you through FEDEX and get back to you with the Tracking number and the arrival time of the document and the keys.


NOTE: THE SECURITY DEPOSIT IS FULLY REFUNDABLE IN-CASE YOU DON’T LIKE THE HOUSE.

Please note that the deposit made is fully refundable should in case you finally gain entrance into the house after receiving the keys and documents and feel unsatisfied or uncomfortable with the interior,but i am giving you a benefit of doubt that you will love everything about this lovely and beautiful home and is ready for move in.The deposit will be refunded in less than 24 hours after you request for it..You are advices to act fast on this so you don't loose the house to other interested applicants...Give me a call as soon as possible.
Thanks and Remain Blessed.
You are welcome to our lovely home.


Now after initially reading this, I let out a resounding, "are you fucking kidding me?" As my heart sank and my brain let out a, "I told you, idiot."  Mind you we haven't even seen this place and he's thinking we're just going to wire $500 to fricken Nigeria? Do I have "Fucking Moron" stamped to my forehead? The sad thing is that some naive people out there would have fallen for their shenanigans. And in response to this, he will not "confirms a payment" from me and no, I will not head to my local grocery store to make any such payment. They've messed with the wrong blonde! Until then, I'll just sulk with my cat about this ridiculousness and make sarcastic remarks about how awful some of these acceptance speeches are for the Golden Globes. (Luigi is even more pissed than I am, that second bedroom was going to be his and Apollo's).